


I'm Twisted Back Up in the Madness

by Dont_Stop_Larry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Harry takes care of Louis, I'm a mess right now, Louis is so tired of everything, M/M, Panic Attacks, anyway, cannon complient, he always puts Harry first, idk why i wrote this, imma stop with the tags now, it pains me to think of Louis in such pain, or as much as I can gather from observing, past mention of an eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 00:39:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13283250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dont_Stop_Larry/pseuds/Dont_Stop_Larry
Summary: Louis always puts others before himself, and forces his own pain away. He can't hold it back anymore.





	I'm Twisted Back Up in the Madness

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo I have no idea why I wrote this. Maybe I was just being a masochist (this is probably the reason tbh) but here it is. Please feel the pain with me. It's been almost eight years and I can't imagine how hard it is for them but they'll win in the end.
> 
> Not edited, just posted.
> 
> *****TRIGGER WARNING: Descriptions of a panic attack and mentions of a former eating disorder. If that triggers you, please don't read it.*****
> 
> Love you all. 
> 
> L xx
> 
> ***This fic has been translated into Spanish and posted on Wattpad. Here is the link***  
> https://www.wattpad.com/story/138531747-i%27m-twisted-back-up-in-the-madness-os-ls

                Louis sat in his room, his chest aching with the effort of holding back his anxiety, but he was used to this. When he felt it coming on, he pushed it away. He refused to feel it. He kept it all locked inside, and he knew it was a terrible idea, but it was second nature now. Don’t react. Don’t let anyone see how weak you are. But no matter how often he did this, it never prevented the intense pain in the center of his chest.

                There was a knock on his bedroom door and Liam poked his head in.

                “Hey, Lou, we’re gonna take off. You gonna be good here tonight?”

                Louis nodded, not sure what else he was supposed to say. He’d thought that inviting Liam and Niall over for the footie game would distract him, but it hadn’t worked at all. All he’d done was think about Harry and the huge mess they were in.

                He and Harry were fine, they really were. Louis knew that. But it was hard, knowing that Harry was out pretending to be the womanizer that everyone thought he was in the first place. It was hard, knowing that on the few days that Harry was at home, Louis had to be out with Eleanor or in America with the kid. It was hard watching Harry leave, knowing that he’d come home with that broken look in his eyes, and Louis would have to hold him and rock him to sleep, pushing away his own pain for Harry’s. He’d do anything for Harry, no matter what the cost was to him, but sometimes, the cost was more than he bargained for.

Louis didn’t even know why he was feeling anxious in the first place, but that’s how it usually was. It came out of nowhere and ate at him from the inside out until he couldn’t hold it in anymore. And then, in the darkness of his own bedroom, and if Harry was gonna be out late, he’d allow himself to cry. He’d clutch at his pillow as he tried to breathe normally and his tears soaked the pillowcase, and he would just wait until it stopped, or until he fell asleep. And the next day, he’d wake up and do it all over again.

                He and Harry had been fighting these monsters for almost eight years. Eight fucking years of hiding and being forced into the limelight with some girl by their side, just so they could pass as straight and “normal”. Eight years of training themselves not to touch each other when they passed on stage, or interact when they were out in public. And Louis was tired. He was so fucking exhausted.

                Louis got up and made his way down to the kitchen, taking his bowl and his half-finished glass of water down with him and placing them in the sink. He looked around the quiet lower level of his house. It always seemed so dark and dreary without Harry’s huge personality filling every corner of it.

                He wandered aimlessly around the kitchen for a few moments before pulling a bag of popcorn off the shelf and peeling the plastic wrapping off it. Almost immediately, a different gaggle of voices burst into existence in his mind, voices that only came to him when he was alone.

                _What are you eating that for? You’ve already gained enough weight, haven’t you? You can’t eat this. You’re fat. You’re not pretty. Put it back._

                Louis bit down hard on the inside of his cheek and watched as the bag inflated with the popped kernels. It had been three years since he’d had any issues with eating, but every once in a while, he’d feel like he was right back where he started, eating too much and then not eating enough. It was hard to find a balance, even after all this time.

Despite his best efforts, Louis could feel his pent-up panic building dangerously inside his chest, making him tremble ever so slightly. Last night, he’d been able to hold it off, mostly because Harry had come home early with red eyes and a frown that Louis spent hours kissing away, but tonight, he knew it would be useless. Harry wouldn’t be getting home till much, much later, and in a way, he was almost glad that Harry was so busy tonight, because Harry could always tell when something was wrong, and he never hesitated to ask Louis about it. Louis knew that, tonight at least, he wouldn’t be able to lie through his teeth like he usually did.

                He went back up to his and Harry’s shared room, walking more slowly than he normally would. He knew that the moment he reached it, he wouldn’t be able to hold it all back anymore. When he finally got there, he closed the door swiftly behind him, just wanting to escape the emptiness of the rest of the house. He threw the popcorn in the trash, unopened, stripped down to his boxers, and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. As his mouth filled with toothpaste foam, he looked at himself in the large mirror. His skin was a bit paler than usual, and his eyes had dark circles around them, evidence of his terrible sleep schedule. He had to get at least one decent night of sleep. His fans would most definitely notice if he came back looking like he hadn’t slept for a week, and he didn’t want them to worry about him too.

He splashed cold water on his face after his teeth were clean and gripped the counter until his knuckles turned white. He had to fight it off. He didn’t have the energy to break down tonight.

Louis walked back into their room, stepped out of his boxers, and crawled into bed, pulling Harry’s pillow towards him and holding it close.

He could feel his entire body starting to give in to the panic, the anxiety, the voices, and he gripped the sheets and Harry’s pillow, pressing his lips together. His hands were twitching uncontrollably as he tried to remain calm, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. It was too much, all of it. He whimpered, the pain in his chest and his head almost too much to bear.

                His phone rang. Louis, not knowing exactly why, reached for it, and when he saw Harry’s name, he sucked in a deep breath, stopping the panic dead in its tracks, and picked up.

                “Hello?”

                “Hey, Lou. Just wanted to let you know that I was on my way. Got let go early, thank god. Can’t stand to be in her presence a second longer. She bores me to fucking tears, not to mention she’s actually a terrible human being.”

                Louis could hear the sarcastic humor in Harry’s voice, which was a good sign. It meant that Harry wouldn’t come home sad tonight.

                “Oh … alright, that’s great. I’ll probably be asleep but just come on in and keep me warm,” Louis said, not even believing how calm his voice was right now. He could still feel the pain and the hurt building in him, but he couldn’t let Harry even guess what was going on right now. He had to keep calm and sound normal.

                “See you soon, then. Love you!” Harry said cheerfully, and Louis swallowed hard.

                “Love you too, H.”

                Louis hung up and had a full five seconds of blissful calm, no pain, no fear, nothing but happiness that he’d get to see Harry soon, and then everything broke through the dam in his chest. He bit back his cry of pain and fear as his entire body shook. He had to relax, had to calm down. He tried breathing in and out, like he had Harry do, but it was no use. It was like his lungs has ceased to function. His body was on fire and freezing cold at the same time, but he threw the covers off and tossed the pillow to the floor, feeling boxed in and constricted. He couldn’t stop it from taking him over. He couldn’t do this. He needed help, but the thought of calling for help made him panic more. Even if he wanted to, no one was there to hear him. His hands flew to his chest as he tried to breathe normally, but it was coming in wheezing gasps now. This one was really bad, one of the worst ones he’d ever had, and he knew he had to make it stop before Harry got home, but that wasn’t going to happen. Not this time.

                “Please … please make it stop …” Louis whispered brokenly to the darkness, but he got no response. There never was any response. No one knew or cared that he was hurting.

                The door to the room opened at that moment, and Louis had no time to collect himself or even pull up the covers before the light flickered on. Harry stood in the doorway, looking beautiful and amazing as he always did, but as he took in the scene before him – Louis naked on the bed, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably, his expression changed.

                Fresh tears leaked from Louis’ eyes as he saw the look on Harry’s face – shocked, scared, and something that looked suspiciously like pity. This was exactly why he never told Harry. This was why he dealt with it alone.

                “Louis …” Harry said softly, his voice scared, but he didn’t move forward, opting to stay where he was. He seemed almost wary, which made everything worse. Harry didn’t want to be near him like this. Louis had known this would happen, he just thought he could hold it off a little longer. He reached for the covers with shaking hands, trying desperately to breathe.

“Lou … can I come over to you?” Harry asked suddenly, and Louis barely inclined his head before Harry was running towards the bed, kneeling down next to Louis’ side. His eyes were wide and frightened, but his voice was calm. “Can I touch you? Are you ok with that?”

                Louis didn’t know what to do. He hated people being in close proximity to him, especially when he was panicking, but this was Harry. He trusted Harry. He loved Harry. Harry was what he craved the most, no matter where he was or how he was feeling. It was always Harry. Louis reached for him, not able to hold back a sob this time, and Harry immediately crawled into bed, pulling Louis into his arms. Louis buried his face into Harry’s chest, crying uncontrollably and gripping Harry’s shirt tightly, needing something to hold on to. He felt Harry’s hand stroking through his hair and he tried to focus on that, on the feeling of Harry’s fingers on his scalp, but it wasn’t enough.

                “Lou, please, can you look at me?” Harry asked, and Louis shook his head. He didn’t want Harry to see the broken look in his eyes, and he didn’t want to see Harry’s look of pity. He just wanted it to stop. “Please, I’m going to help, I promise.”

                With an enormous effort, Louis looked up through his tears at Harry. His Harry, with his big green eyes and messy curls and perfect lips. His Harry, so beautiful.

                “Keep looking at me, yeah? Listen to my voice,” Harry said softly, and Louis swallowed, nodding. “I need you to breathe with me, ok? In for four, out for four, come on.”

                Louis did as Harry asked, trying to breathe, but he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs, and he gasped, his tears now angry and frustrated. He was fucking better than this. He wasn’t some pathetic weirdo who cried for no reason.

                But that’s exactly what he was. He knew it and he hated it.

                “Come on, Lou, you can do it. It’s ok. Just try for me,” Harry encouraged, exaggerating his breathing so Louis could follow. Louis took a shaky four second breath in, and then blew it out against Harry’s soaking wet shirt. Harry smiled. “That’s it, you’re doing it. Keep going, love.”

                Louis felt his stomach flip pleasantly at Harry’s words, and tried valiantly to do as Harry asked, and, eventually, he felt himself start to relax. He was still light headed and feeling slightly nauseous, but he could almost breathe again.

                “Harry, I’m … I’m so sorry,” Louis mumbled, feeling tears brimming in his eyes almost immediately.

                “Lou, no, don’t. You’re ok, it’s ok to ask for my help. You don’t … have to hold this back with me. I love you so much, I just want you to be ok,” Harry pleaded quietly, his hand on Louis’ cheek, comforting and warm and soft.

                “I … I …” Louis tried to tell Harry, he really did, but he couldn’t. It hurt too much to admit the truth to him. He felt it all coming back, hitting him harder this time, and he curled in on himself, groaning as the pain radiated through his entire body.

                Harry held him tighter, whispering in his ear, telling him random stories and a bunch of stupid jokes, anything he could think of, and Louis focused on his voice. The lilt of his words and his accent, the deep, rumbling of it in his chest, everything. Harry’s voice calmed him, it brought him back to reality.

                “Louis, I should be the one apologizing. I never asked you if you … I just … you were always so strong, and I never even once asked if you were ok. I should have known you weren’t, I’m your fucking boyfriend. You don’t deserve to feel this way. You deserve to be happy, and I … I love you, ok? I love you so much and I want to help. Tell me how to help.”

                Louis could tell that Harry was on the verge of tears. He was scared, of course he was, Louis would be scared of himself if he saw this for the first time.

                “Haz … I … c-can’t … I hold it all in … all the time … don’t wanna be weak,” Louis said, his words choppy, but as he looked up at Harry, he knew that he understood.

                “You’re not weak, Lou. You’re so strong. Stronger than I could ever be. I’m so proud of your strength.”

                “B-but it’s been so – so long, I can’t … can’t do it anymore, Haz. Tired … so tired …” Louis cried, feeling ashamed as his body continued to shake, despite his efforts to calm down.

                “It’s ok, Lou. M’tired too, baby. But I’ve got you. I come home to you every night. When I’m not with you, you’re always on my mind. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I sleep. You’re everything to me. And what we have … it’s stronger than anything. We will beat them. We will win. We’re strong, Lou. You’re strong.”

                Harry’s words were like sinking into a hot bath; they washed over Louis and pushed the pain away. He felt himself go limp in Harry’s arms, and Harry held him closer, kissing his forehead and his cheeks. Louis felt a sense of calm coming over him, something only Harry could bring, and he let out a sigh of relief. He could breathe again.

It took several more minutes for Louis to feel completely ok again, and for his body to stop shaking. His hands betrayed him, still twitching slightly, but it was over, for tonight, anyway.

                “Don’t go …” Louis whispered, leaning up to kiss Harry’s lips lightly, and Harry nodded.

                “Not going anywhere, Lou, I promise. I do have to change, though. I smell like … perfume,” Harry said, a slight bite to his last words, and Louis reluctantly let him go, sitting up and pulling the duvet up to his chest. He didn’t feel like being exposed right now.

                Harry undressed quickly and fell back into bed behind Louis, and Louis reached for him at once, needing Harry, needing his warmth and the solid feeling of his body and the rhythmic beating of his heart. His whole body hurt.

                “Hold me … please … feel better when you’re holding me,” Louis whispered, and Harry smiled as he looped an arm around Louis’ waist. The weight of Harry’s arm on his side and stomach made Louis feel … safe. Harry made him feel safe. And right now, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated and welcomed!


End file.
